things are not going as smooth as it was planned, loads are piling up my shoulder and i felt tough. yet, i dont wish to give up, and i dont wish myself to back out. i want to stay on, and stay stronger! this job is seriously a tough one, very challenging. i dont really know how to explain, too many things to learn and i couldnt slow down a bit. i am feeling exhausted, physically and emotionally. but yet, i still feel like going to work. 0.0 a little ridiculous but i really wish that i can overcome it. all i need now is my strength and energy to be back on track. aside work, there is something on my mind recently too. i dont really wanted to think about it, but it just so naturally flew into my mind and stubbornly couldnt be removed. i am not sure about why i am having this feelings but its so true that i am feeling this way. i think i had fall hard for it. should i or should i not? i cant make a decision. i dont know what could i do. to love or be loved. i am doubtful~ LOL. can i just dont be so emo? can i just have a brain that works like a computer? so that i can just all that i need to know and learn for work fast enough to meet their standard and also able to remove some stupid thinking out of my mind. human just cant fight over controlling their feelings. argh~ >,<

on a deeper note, to most of the people out there, i was labeled as naive, stubborn, WEIRD. zzz, in fact, i do not understand why should i follow what they wish that i would become? i never thought i was naive, perhaps the ways i do things seems a little foolish. but its all because i just hope my life can be as simple as it could be. i just want to be myself, i just dont like complicated stuffs and i just dont like misunderstandings and conflicts. why must one demands another to turn into what they wish them to be like? seriously i dont agree, regardless it is between relationship or friendship or even between family, i would still wish they are who they are. yes, there is sure things that i might not be the same with them, there might be just things that i am not happy about, but it all takes mutual understandings and givings, and not by demanding one to change just to suit the other ways of living. i am satisfied with my life, why is it so that had to mean that i had no ambition? i am easy-going, why is it so that had to mean that i am weak? apparently if i choose to differ, why must that had to mean that i am being rebellious or stubborn? i dont know why should that be? if i had a different mindset, it means i am wrong? there is no right or wrong, everyone had its own freedom to choose their ways of thinking. am willing to discuss about how to go with that, but please never demand me to be like that. if i can accept, i will. if i cant, how do you want me to be like one? maybe you can but sorry i cannot. i hate lying, i hate the feel of disguise, i hate not being myself. and this is me. i am understanding, but that does not mean i am a push-over. i dont argue not because i dont dare to, i just find it pointless to say anything if in the first place i am not being trusted. i will argue when i felt that i should, i will stand my point when i felt there is a need, so please do not take me as a weak. i can be really nice, but i can be really nasty too. money is the most powerful things that could affect people. i used to hate it, seriously i do. i hate it so much i spent every single cent i had without thinking about how useful it can. in the past, i can purchase things just because i want to spent, i just want to spent that money away and not because i like that thing or need that thing. i hate money because it changes humanity and thats why it never weighs in me. i spent it like nobody business. i never thought about savings, i never thought about having alot of money. but now i do. although i still spent, but i am trying to change. about finance, yes, i admit i dont know how to think in the past and i know that is my flaw. i know i need to change, and i believe its never too late to do so. i may not want to be the best, be on the top or be the first, but that does not means i did not want to be a better person. i never stop improving myself. i just hope you can understand that i do hope things could be better. and i really hope i can overcome all the unhappy things on hand.