Fionne.G

-- Saturday, August 9, 2008 ; 8:26 PM ♥♥

u doesnt know how its felt when you dont even know who you are and what are in you.

i just seems to have lost myself.

where is my heart, my love and my soul?

i knew it was not my first time.

but i doesnt know why, doesnt know how.

maybe there is a devil in me, maybe im born a sinner

or maybe i am just not myself anymore.

why do people changed? i understand so much, but does it really helps?

im fine, yah, i knew i was. but am i really so?

i dont know.

somehow i am afraid of myself, i seems so unfamiliar with me now.

it looks like i had lost myself. not completely maybe partially?

i dont know why, i change. i knew i had. but why?

it sounds so ridiculous, that me myself doesnt know why i am like that or had become like that.

if anyone said that to me, i will say that person is crazy.

i felt so numb now, a feeling so hard to describe.

i doesnt know what am i doing, what had i done.

i knew i did crazy, ridiculous thing. i knew i am bad. i knew i was wrong.

but i dont know why.

my mind is blank, totally no one, nothing inside my mind.

i got nothing i want.

i thought i could had been strong, or maybe yes i am strong.

cause i felt fine, i am not feeling anything.

but is this really alright?

why i seems to feel that i am losing control of myself.

one day i can love you, and the next day i can hate you, dislike you.

and i got no reason, and i dont know why. will you believe?

i dont even believe it myself. but it is happening to me.

they say maybe that was just emotional as i am pregnant.

to me, it doesnt really seems so. cause i dont feel anything.

or is this depression? but it also seems not really so.

greatest enemy in life is myself. yah. i really do hate myself.

i hate it when i just like being myself.

i hate it when i just cant be controlled.

i hate it when i just cannot do things for others sake.

so many more..

people say i am stupid, i dont think when i do things.

yes i am. i dont deny.

i always use my heart to think and do, i never had use my brains to think and do.

but is this wrong? maybe to me, its not.

but in this reality world, it is not right.

LOL.

are you satisfied with your life?

i seems not, but if you ask me what i want, i got nothing and i tell you i am fine with what i am now.

sounds funny.

alot of people likes to see the flaws in perfection.

they tends to grumble over things that is not working well in them.

its just like maybe they had one year plus of happiness, but they only remember the few months of misery they had.

and forgets about the happiness they had earlier.

human just never satisfy.

when they had this, they felt like they want that.

but when they get that, they may want something else.

just like now you got a gf who treats you good, you wants someone who treats you better.

and when you got the better, you want the best.

we tends to think that we can get and find the better ones next time.

and we neglect the main thing in life is to cherish.

we knew, cherish. but are we really doing it?

are we really cherishing what we had?

or are we still demanding for more?

swear to your heart.

there is sure a window asking you to demand more.

because in reality, we are never satisfied.

it seems like everyone had a dream, or maybe a passion or something.

but whats mine?

why doesnt i have? why doesnt i have something that i wana do in life?

yup. maybe giving birth is an experience i wish to experience in my life.

but is that all? where had my dreams go?

i felt so pathetic. i felt disgrace of myself.

i had none.

but i do hope its just temporarily.

i dont like who i am now. i dont want myself to be like this now.

i want back myself, my love, my soul.

i really wish i can find them back, i really wish to know where i had lost them.

if not, please brain-wash me. so i can start again.

tt's how life is =D